So I was reading about my personality type today and I found this little gem.

“There are a couple of difficult relationship areas for the ENFP. The first problem is that many ENFPs have a problem leaving bad relationships. They tend to internalize any problems and take them on their own shoulders, believing that the success or failure of the relationship is their own responsibility. As perfectionists, they don’t like to admit defeat, and will stick with bad situations long after they should have left. When they do leave the relationship, they will believe that the failure was their fault, and that there was surely something they could have done to save the relationship.”

Story of my freaking life. Every single word here resonates with me in this season of my life. And I have been carrying this for so long and I am tired. I am so tired. I am tired of getting my hopes up. I am tired of hoping for better. I am so flipping tired of being let down. 

Is it really too much to ask for a little decency and honesty. Is it really so hard for people to act like adults and confront situations rather than hiding from them and doing nothing. What am I? What were the last 8 years? Am I really just so disposable. Do I really mean so little that I can’t even have a reason or even a simple good-bye. 

I am so emotionally worn down. I have worn this. Taking the full weight on my own shoulders. I have longed for release and change but it has not come. I have cried. I have yelled. I have prayed. I have given up. I have restored my hope again and again, to no end.

I don’t know where to go from here. Everyone says to leave, to cut my losses and walk. But I can’t do that. I am not the sort of person who is capable of doing that. My emotions are too internal and my love runs too deep. 

My bro’ Spurgeon has a quote that I am holding close: 
“He who grown in grace remembers that he is but dust, and he therefore does not expect his fellow Christians to be anything more. He overlooks ten thousand of their faults, because he knows his God overlooks twenty thousand in his own case. He does not expect perfection in his creature, and, therefore, he is not disappointed when he does not find it.”

And so I pick it back up once more. And I continue on. For some reason I feel that this is a test and a lesson. This is my strengthening. This is my journey. This is my suffering. But this also must be my joy. 

We love because He first loved us. 

I love, because He loves me. 
And I am so undeserving of the love that He shows me, so who am I to deny my love to others. How can I receive a love that I do not deserve, and then refuse to share it. How can I talk this talk if I do not walk this walk. 

Give me your grace. Give me your mercy. God, give me your strength.